My journey to becoming pregnant took three years of preparation. I was preparing all aspects of myself. Most of all I was learning to let go and to find patience with just living in the moment of now. Even as I write this I am learning to find my center each day.
Three years ago I was in the middle of my shiatsu training, living in a city far from my husband. We would take turns traveling to be with each other every weekend. Not only was I stressed from the mental training, practicum and sleeping on a futon that had a metal bar that pushed its way through the thin cushion every night causing back pain, there was also the travel. But I got pregnant due to the romantic weekends we both enjoyed as it was so hard to be away all week from the one you love. We decided to talk to a doctor about whether it would a good idea to keep the fetus or not due to all of the stress I was in. Through an ultrasound the doctor and I could see that the fetus was being blocked from receiving proper nutrients by a large blood clot and had little chance of surviving. So I decided to have an abortion. An abortion is a hot topic for most people. I use to say that I am pro choice for it depends on what is happening in the woman’s life. But I always thought if I ever got pregnant I would have the baby no matter what. Well it turned out I had to make the choice since my body really was not healthy for it. When I tell people about the experience I still consider it a miscarriage since I don’t want to have to explain the details.
Each woman has to deal with abortion or miscarriage their own way. For some it’s not that big of a deal, where others go for years with depression and guilt about what they may have done to cause the loss. It took a few months before I felt comfortable enough to share with family and friends what had occurred. I had to allow myself to grieve. And that is a whole process in of itself.
Three years later I felt ready to be pregnant and nothing was going to get in my way since I had this knowing that I was going to get pregnant soon. I wonder if most women get that when they feel ready to be pregnant. They get a feeling that it will happen but the unknown of when can be stressful. And yes some women have difficulties due to physical issues that stop the actual process of occurring naturally and must seek out support from doctors or alternative health care providers like myself. And yet even more have to make the choice to adopt instead. But in the end the child that is suppose to be with them will come one way or another. I didn’t realize that I could get in my own way of becoming pregnant until I learned to let go of the need.
When I had a second miscarriage I was able to let go of the need even more. Instead of being upset I took a look at how I was treating my body. So I found support through my naturopath and massage therapist to help let go of the stress I put myself under. I had to learn to nurture myself just as I was teaching clients to nurture themselves.
I read a few different pregnancy books that helped me understand the process of being pregnant. One book in particular showed me that if I opened up to my creative self I could let go of the drive to be pregnant. So I took out my acrylics and began to paint. Through working with different colours I was allowing myself to release the need. I stopped focusing on reading the books or even counting my periods. I was allowing myself to enjoy each day and focus on the painting. Later I will be adding the paintings to the site. At that time I allowed myself to enjoy life of the now and not of the future. Even now I am focused on the now. I took NIA classes that helped me be creative through movement. And soon the drive to be pregnant left me. I just wanted to enjoy myself and enjoy this body of mine.
I got pregnant four months after I said I was ready to be pregnant. For some people they say that is fast but for me I look back see the journey began those three years ago after I had that abortion. I had to nurture myself before I was ready to nurture a being growing inside of me.